


Before I Fall

by Littlelily80



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Protective Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:48:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28406514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlelily80/pseuds/Littlelily80
Summary: "You're in love with him"It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Riley felt her sobs grow deeper as she nodded softly, gasping."Don't tell him, please… he mustn't know…" she whispered." Are you sure about that ? ""If Mac is happy with Desi, then I'll be happy for him. That's love ..."Bozer squeezed her hand one last time before engaging the clutch to start the car, leaving Riley face to face with his deepest thoughts.
Relationships: Riley Davis & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Riley Davis/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	Before I Fall

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I would like to thank Enamis2001 for being my beta, it's a very big job and requires a lot of time, I appreciate what you have done for me, I appreciate the time you invest in giving me all this advice and help, I confess !! Thank you so Much Girl, It wouldn't have been possible without your help and advice, you are someone I appreciate very much.  
> Second thing, This is based on episode 3 which was disastrous for a lot of MacRiley, I know the subject is going to be hard to read, I hope you don't mind.  
> This is based on my own personal experience, again I hope you won't hold this against me.  
> This story was written to erase the mess of episode 3 of season 5, I don't believe in the adrenaline linked to the codex

The Phoenix jet had just landed on the runway leading straight to Russ's personal hangar. Where he stored his personal cars.  
It was the same hangar from which she had guided Mac and Desi on their mission with Andrews during Roman's capture of Russ.

  
When the plane had finished its last shake, the occupants began to get up to pick up their scattered belongings after their last mission.

The plane was taxiing smoothly, the pilot following the instructions of one of the agents to get as close as possible to Russ's cars.  
Riley stood up and stretched the whole way. She had slept the whole way, despite the pair of eyes that seemed to be watching her all the time.

She didn't notice Mac, but felt his arms around her when she almost fell when the machine came to a complete stop. Her warm breath caressed her neck, sending shivers down her spine.

She turned around, offering him a grateful smile, which he returned, and walked forward to try to put some distance between them, hoping that Mac wouldn't notice her red cheeks, or her shortness of breath.

  
Why did it always have to happen every time he was within three feet of her ?

  
Bozer went down the steps to the track first. Desi and Russ followed, talking about some martial art they seemed to be passionate about. She walked through the door in turn, happily breathing in the fresh air, and looked up. The stars were just beginning to appear, offering her a show she hadn't been able to enjoy for months.

  
She continued to descend with her head up, which was probably a very bad idea. By the time she got to the bottom, what had to happen happened happened. She missed a step. She felt herself falling backwards, and closed her eyes and contracted her muscles in preparation for the impact. An impact that never happened.

  
Two arms had just wrapped around her waist, restraining her before she could seriously injure herself. She opened her eyes and saw Mac's blue irises above her. It was his arms surrounding her, hugging her against his chest. With the sight of the sky, the young woman had forgotten the beautiful blonde behind her.

  
She felt her heart racing and beating harder in her ears, and prayed to all the gods that Mac could not hear her.

  
He smiled at her and put her back on her feet.  
" I'm here, Riles" Mac whispered in a reassuring voice.

  
" Thank you " she replied in the same tone.  
Their eyes crossed, making the young woman blush once again, and she moistened her lips as a reflex. She thought she saw Mac following the gesture of the glance, but quickly blocked this thought. She didn't want to suffer in addition to disillusionment.

  
" Yes, I'm fine " Riley quickly replied as she walked away. " I forgot the walk again. The starry sky was a little... distracting "

  
Now that she no longer had her arms around her, Riley was cold. She wrapped her own arms around her body to try to give them some warmth, but it wasn't the same.  
" Yes, it was. You only have to look up to get lost in this vastness, and forget the world around you "

  
Mac's gaze went to the sky, before he leaned back on Riley to give him that smirk, the one that revealed his dimples. Riley felt himself drifting, and cursed Mac for his ability to make him forget everything with that damn smile.  
Desi watched the scene from her ground station.

Russ and Bozer had already entered, but she had wanted to wait for her boyfriend. She frowned when she saw them so close to each other, seeming completely lost in their own world.

  
She had noticed that he had sat right in front of her on the plane, observing her during the six-hour trip. She was a soldier trained to notice the smallest details, of course she had seen them.

  
It had started weeks ago. At first, it was only small, harmless gestures, a hand that lingered too long, a hug that was a little too long, a little more anxiety... Isolated signs that she hadn't considered worth remembering. After all, they had known each other for almost a decade, it was normal to be so close with her best friend.

  
But Mac had started to hold her hand, always looking for physical contact. And Desi had started to feel an unpleasant, almost icy feeling in her stomach.

  
She and Mac hadn't been this tactile. Holding hands, hugging each other, making tender gestures... it had never been their strong point. But watching them like this, as Mac placed his arm around Riley as they continued to look at the stars while they talked... The pain was there.

  
"Mac ? I think you can let her go now," she notified him coldly.

  
He took off his bar as much as if he had been burned. He looked a little upset and responded more softly to Riley.  
" I'm sorry "  
" That's all right," she sighed.

  
She smiled at him, trying to suppress the sense of disappointment and guilt. Her mind was drifting further and further, drifting into dangerous waters. She had to regain control of herself before she reached the point of no return.

  
No matter how hard she tried to convince herself of this, she knew deep down inside that the excuse of adrenaline would not work for long. It was just another lie. Her feelings, although buried, were still present at the edge of her consciousness.

  
She took a look at her cell phone. 17h30. The mission had really dragged on. It was supposed to be just a simple data retrieval, but since when was the word 'simple' part of her daily life?

  
Bozer waved her hand, redirecting her to her own car, while Mac was only a meter in front of her. He and Desi headed to his own pickup truck parked nearby.

  
He turned around, his gaze falling once again on her lips. He finally looked up and grabbed her arm to make sure he had her attention.  
As if he couldn't get it just by breathing,' Riley ironed.

  
" Are you sure you're okay, Riles ? "  
It's been forever since he's called him that.  
" Of course, just a little tired. Why is he a little tired ? " she answered with a smile.  
But Mac heard the point of annoyance in her voice, and was pained. The distance she seemed to have initiated drove him crazy.  
" It's just this feeling that you're trying to avoid me " he sighed.  
Riley froze. With her eyes wide open and her mouth ajar, she could barely keep her composure.

  
" No... No, it's all right " she replied in a slightly shaky voice. " It's just work. It's all right, I promise "

  
Her voice became more assertive as the words went by. It wasn't the first time, and it certainly won't be the last time she'll have to lie to him about it. She had become good at making him believe that everything was fine, but it will never be easy.  
He smiled at her and followed Desi to her truck.

  
She got closer to Bozer's, who was patiently waiting for her on the passenger side.  
" If Mademoiselle wants to..."

  
Bozer bowed as he opened the door, but quickly lost his smile when he saw his dark face. Riley got into the car, but couldn't help but take one last look at the man of his thoughts.

  
Mac and Desi found themselves in the privacy of the pickup truck, and the young woman moved closer to kiss her boyfriend. But the boyfriend turned away, not wanting to expose his affection for the young woman in broad daylight. Much less her best friend. Desi sighed and stood up.

  
" Sorry, Desi. I just want to go home "  
" Suit yourself "

  
The young woman was beginning to get serious about the future of her relationship with Mac. He was working hard to keep them out of the water, but they had overcome many obstacles. And it seems that the latest one was Riley herself.

  
She raised her head to catch Mac watching the young hacker, who seemed just as lost in thought.

  
Bozer had already gotten into her car and noticed her absent look.  
" Riley? Are you ready ? "  
" Are you ready ? Yes, sorry..."  
She shook her head, trying to regain control of herself.  
" Are you sure you're all right, Riles ? "  
The young woman was startled when she heard this nickname so special to her. She felt an irritation go to her head. This nickname was only for Mac, why was Bozer using it? And then, why did we keep asking him that damn question?

  
" For the hundredth time, yes, I'm fine" she snapped. "Could we finally go home ?"  
" All right, all right, all right "  
Bozer started the car, and Riley started daydreaming again while looking out the window. Matty wasn't asking for a report until tomorrow, and Riley needed a night's sleep.  
" Are you sure you're okay ?" Bozer asked. " I'm worried about you"

  
He asked her that question every day, and he wasn't sure she would answer it, but he had to do everything he could to help her. She was his sister at heart, after all.  
" If I tell you. Why do you keep asking me this question ?"  
" Because I'm not stupid. I know that you make every excuse in the world to avoid discussion. Like at the barbecue..."

  
Riley rolled her eyes before keeping her gaze fixed on the road. She refused to see Bozer's worried look. She knew that the moment she crossed her eyes, the tears of grief and pain that had been held inside her for months would resurface. And she wasn't ready to face them.

  
" Matty really gave me a Bozer mission, I swear " she finally answered.

  
She had gotten into the habit of staying later in Phoenix, claiming that she had some urgent business to attend to for the boss to avoid Mac. She could see the sad look he sent her from time to time, but being with him in the same room when she couldn't touch him, hugging him, kissing him... it became too hard for her. She needed space.

  
" You realize I know, right ? I know your true feelings. You're not very good at hiding them " she tried to joke with her heart brother.  
Riley smiled at his attempt to make her laugh, before she sighed. She knew she couldn't hide anything from him. But she didn't want to talk about it.

  
" I don't want to go back on it, Bozer" she whispered with a tight throat.  
" Go back on what, Riley ?"  
"Boze..."

Riley understood that her friend, her brother at heart, was trying to get her to talk. She knew that he was worried when he saw her stop eating, seeing her dark circles every morning after a nightmare of old age. But if she said it, then it would become real...

  
" I just want to help you Riley! And in order to help you, I need to understand what's going on in that little genius head of yours"  
" There's nothing to figure out, Bozer. Codex made me think I'm feeling things I don't feel now that all the adrenaline has gone. That's it "  
" Why are you trying so hard to lie to yourself ?"  
Bozer braked at the red light and turned towards the girl. His eyes widened when he saw the tears on her cheeks that she was vainly trying to hide from him. He delicately took her hand in his own, and stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, trying to comfort her as much as he could.

  
Riley really looked terrible. In the light of the lamppost, his skin looked even whiter, his eyes even more glassy, having lost all the life they contained when they met. Her dark circles made her look almost dead. He could no longer recognize the young woman sitting next to him.

  
" You are in love with him"  
It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Riley felt her sobs grow more intense as she gently nodded her head as she hiccupped.  
" Don't tell him, please... he can't know..." she whispered.  
" Are you sure about this ?"  
" If Mac is happy with Desi, then I'll be happy for him. That's what love is..."

  
Bozer shook his hand one last time before engaging the clutch to start the car, leaving Riley face to face with his deepest thoughts.

  
****

Desi looked out the window of her boyfriend's pickup truck. She had just turned off the radio. Mac's songs were old, and still the same, and she couldn't stand them anymore. The silence of the cabin seemed even heavier, and she closed her arms around her. She put her head on her headrest after a little while, grinning as she smelled Mac's aftershave. It was a spicy smell that stung her nostrils and she knew that her clothes would be smelling it long after she left the car.  
Los Angeles was beautiful at night. But for some reason, she couldn't enjoy it.

  
She felt Mac's rough hands landing on her leg, drawing her attention to him.  
" I thought you liked this song ?" he asked her in a small voice.

  
" Not today " she replied curtly. "I'm tired and I have a headache. I need to calm down"  
"I'm sorry" Mac apologized. "I would have stopped him if you had told me..."  
Why didn't you notice it yourself?  
Desi did not answer. Mac took her hand off her leg, and she sighed. Noticing that Mac had made his way back to her house, she resumed.

  
" Would you mind dropping me off at home? I'm really not feeling well tonight"  
Mac seemed surprised by the request but turned around without a word. He had noticed that Desi had been getting more and more cranky lately and didn't want to upset him any more. But a question had been on his mind for some time, and he needed an outside opinion.  
It was at times like that that he missed Jack the most.

  
He took a deep breath.  
" Some ? "  
" Some what ?" Slapped the young woman.  
Mac remained silent in the face of her attack, before resuming.

  
" Has Riley talked to you recently? She seems to be pulling away from the team, from me... I don't understand her sudden distance"  
Desi suddenly opened her eyes again at Mac's request, but kept her eyes firmly planted on the outside of the car. Riley again...  
" Not recently, no" she replied cautiously. " I'm sure you're just imagining things, and she's just tired from all the missions Matty's been giving her"

  
Mac didn't want to admit to Desi that he had already spoken to Matty, and that she seemed surprised by the 'famous' assignments she seemed to have given Riley. So he changed his strategy.  
" She didn't say a word on the drive home today," he continued, unknowingly provoking the fury of his girlfriend.

  
" She is only tired from the number of missions since Phoenix reopened. Aren't we all ?" She tries to justify.  
Mac thought a little, and nodded his head.

  
" That would also explain the dark circles under his eyes" he mumbled as if to himself.  
" I admit I wasn't really paying attention" Desi hastened to say, " But now that you mention it, it's true that she seems to sleep badly these days"

  
The rest of the trip was silent until Mac parked the truck in front of his building. Desi got out quickly, paying no attention to Mac who had tried to kiss her goodbye. She turned back to Mac, who had a sad look on his face. He finally asked her.

  
" I'll pick you up tomorrow ? "  
" No need " she answered.  
She turned her heels and walked quickly towards the gray entrance.  
Decidedly, Mac would never understand women. He sighed before turning around and walking back to his own house, hoping for a better tomorrow.

To be continued...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading all the way through if you got here


End file.
